Responsible Dating Choices for Single Moms

Responsible Dating

Recent headlines about single mothers have been saddening and frustrating. Most made headlines because of poor relationship choices. The mothers made the choices, but the kids paid the price. Hear this and remember it: just about every choice you make affects your children.

As a young single mother, I learned that my choices, even those when my son was not around me, affected his life in a variety of ways. The tears from my broken heart impacted the overall tone of my household, thereby affecting him. Similarly, when I met a great guy that made me happy that, too, affected his daily living. There’s no way around it – everything you do affects your child(ren) in some form. So you must be wise.

The following tips I learned one of two ways: from painful experience or from the mistakes of other single moms. I hope you find them helpful.

1) One Disciplinarian. Never allow your significant other (SO) to discipline your children. That job belongs to only one person – you. When a boyfriend disciplines or spanks your child, it confuses the child and diminishes your power to a degree. Furthermore, boyfriends – even the best ones- “lift” right out of your life. With no marriage certificate they can easily, quickly and instantaneously be gone. I know what you are thinking. Although husbands disappear as well, it’s not quite as easy. But people with no weighty commitment tend to treat SO’s and their kids a bit more casually. Be careful. Discipline is and should remain a parenting role, but it should never a “boyfriends” role.

2) Don’t Do It. Do not leave your child alone with your SO. You must be careful entrusting anyone with your child, but especially a man. You may trust him with your all of your. You may likely even love him, but it is not good practice. Just because a person is over 18, doesn’t make them responsible, competent or safe caretakers. There have been enough sad headlines of trusting single mothers who have left their children with a boyfriend. Don’t become one of them. Better safe than sorry. Take no risks with your children. Enough said.

3) Slow Your Roll A Bit. Allow plenty of time before you introduce your child(ren) to your SO. There’s no rule or formula as to how long one should wait, but I think the longer the better. Help your children preserve their emotional attachments for that person that will be around long-term. Smart single moms know that their love for a man is not always good measure for judging his character. Before a man meets your children consider waiting until he offers you a ring and a date of promise. It’s better to err on the side of caution in these situations. Waiting gives you a chance to know him, understand him and assess his lifestyle. So many married women are miserable because they did not wait to actually see what type of men they’re husbands are regarding their time and sensitivity. Besides, your child doesn’t need the memories of meeting a sea of your men suitors.

4) Hold your heart and your body dear. I know it sounds archaic in today’s culture. However, if you know your true value, you will be wary of falling in love to quickly. Instead, you will stick with someone long enough to observe their patterns, learn their core values, and understand their temperament before choosing to love them. Love is not something that “just happens” to smart women, it is a choice. It is a gift. You must choose wisely for yourself and for your kids.

This leads into the second point: do not give your body to someone that you are not legally married. The intimacy and emotional attachment alone is reason enough to wait. Another reality is that many sexually transmitted diseases and infections put you at risk. As a result, why gamble with your body and your children’s future because of a physical urge or need to please a man. An easy choice it is not, but it is a choice that you will be glad you made in the end. Few people are sorry that they waited for sex; countless individuals regretted not waiting to have sex. Besides, you’re worth the wait and so are your kids.

Positively Positive, Single Mom!

It has never been more apparent to me than recently how we must value the time we have with those we love. In one day- one short twenty four hours- the telephone can ring with news that can turn our lives upside down. We must live each day to it’s fullest, making the most of every moment.

It is easy to focus on the challenges of day to day living and ignore the blessings of the present moment. Your health, strength and resources are the positives to focus on each day. As a single mom, you may not have every material thing you want, but you do have something. The very fact that you are reading this blog demonstrates that you have access to a computer. That’s a blessing. Your car may not be impressive to most, but if you have one at all, that’s a blessing.

There was an old song with lyrics that tell us to “accentuate” the positive. As a single mom, this is especially good advice. I know it sounds "Pollyanna-ish, but if you maximize the negative, your inner spirit will live in a state of “heaviness” that could turn into depression and affect your ability to parent well. Your children need to see you happy, optimistic and encouraged. This will build their confidence and teach them the valuable lesson of counting their blessings.
Besides, when you focus on the ‘happy’ side of life, you’ll be better able to recognize great the opportunities that come your way. So, keep your spirits up, Single Mom! The best is yet to come!

Teri Worten Brooks is the founder of Sisters Helping Sisters, Inc. A Missouri-based nonprofit organization devoted to building the capacity of single mothers and all women to reach their fullest potential. Learn more at http://www.sistershelpingsisters.org/